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Thursday, January 31st, 2008
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Saturday, January 19th, 2008
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hm paint peeling.
drywall rotting.
this spackle won't do.
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Thursday, January 17th, 2008
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Wednesday, November 14th, 2007
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nineteen's fire and the lighthouses burn out at twenty-two.
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Monday, October 29th, 2007
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my favorite buzzwords of the fall 2007 semester thus far:
falsifiable.
problematize.
to be continued...
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hey! summer is beginning to reach its twilight for me as i'm starting a couple of summer classes next week. by the time those are over, i'll have about another two weeks before the fall semester starts up.
i'm taking a couple of neat classes: the modern american novel and the films of martin scorsese. i'm interested to see what this particular professor considers "modern." as long as i'm not reading "the awakening" or any henry james, i'm good. fitzy, hemmy, and faulky - those don't have as nice a ring as "country" - i'll take (although i read "sanctuary" and didn't really dig it, but i just picked up "sound and the fury" with higher expectations).
spent last week in wildwood with a bunch of bros including three elementary school friends. it's nice keeping in touch with them. lot of fun. lot of drinking, hangovering eating, beaching, dancing, and PICKIN UP CHIX YEEEHH!!ing oh! and broke my bukowski cherry! "post office" - very nice book i like his stuff.
still delivering pizzas. i can't complain too much about a job that pays so well to do so little, except 12 hour shifts are killer. but the money is about it. no experience being gained except for local streets and shit. i have to make a concerted effort to start interning it up this coming year.
still playing hockey! JUICERATS AND MOIST MAMMALS, BABY. i've been playing for the juicerats since the winter with a bunch of cool guys at the ISC in mount laurel. moist mammals is a summer league team consisting of guys who pretty much go away to school the whole year. much more competitive team, alas we play in a higher skilled division. we play every sunday night, so if you're looking for something to do HIT ME UP! check out some indoor men's league roller hockey! woo!
yeah definitely getting antsy for THE DEATHLY HOLLOWS! i've made my reservation, WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?!?
it's been a real chill summer. i needed the rejuvenation. how's your summer been?
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Sunday, January 14th, 2007
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for the past 21 years of my life- my WHOLE life- i've lived at the mercy of every one around me. from being unequivocally dependent as a child, a hard-working-enough-to-get-by-with-decent-grades student, and an indefinitely part-time employee, i've had to answer to higher-ups. "please, sir, may i have some more?" but is there anyone who can disagree with me? it's just how it is. and i can't come to grips with it. after all this time, i'm still expecting too much from other people. i drive to a house with food hoping against hope that i get a measly couple of bucks thrown my way that i can keep. i take a box out to a car, being friendly as can be, hiding behind that fraudulent smile the wish of a buck or two. or if i'm lucky, a TEN DOLLAR BILL. WHOOOAAA. and then a boss. boss boss boss. chris when are you going to shave? chris wear black pants. chris sign this w-4. chris the customer is always right. oh yeah? hey boss how are sales figures? hey boss what's the deal with inventory? hey boss we're out of sauce. hey boss it's really slow again tonight. hey boss. hey boss. ok so of course this devolved into a blanket complaint about working. i've never had a problem answering to a higher power in school. mostly because it makes sense. chris, you go to class, you do your work, you get good grades. with those grades you will go out in the world and be successful. maybe. and i have no problem with my folks, though i am wholly at their mercy, moreso than anyone. but by doing so i have a place to sleep eat and shit. well oh you know what i'm talking about. my ultimate gripe will always be the fissure that exists between employee and employer. employee seeks job to make money. employer seeks employee to implement the bottom line. or whatever buzzword you prefer. employee has mortgage kids car utilities rent maxim subscriptions bills. employer has revenues quotas goals pensions salaries. the pie in the sky will never be enjoyed by those down to earth.
yeah, i can't wait for school to start.
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Friday, December 29th, 2006
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with every game of solitaire i do well in, i get more depressed knowing there is certainly something more productive that could be done at that moment.
nothing comes to mind.
i've been fairly, no, violently ill the past couple of days. stomach virus? that's pretty broad, vague, but it's what we call it. nearly nonstop vomiting. dehydration. splitting headaches. hell? i knew a guy named chuck. i always felt awkward asking, "what's up, chuck?"
quit sears. not quite on my terms, but it happened nonetheless. i would have been fired by my manager anyway. we were at odds- i am well on my way to a college degree working at sears as a means to pay for my car and have pocket money while he is 30 a college dropout and basically stuck in middle management until he decides to go back to school (ah, no hard feelings)- and i was at my boiling point with that place. still, i refuse to make excuses or throw a pity party. i work at domino's now. delivering pizzas.
i'm taking this time to do a bit of self-evaluation. i'm looking at myself and where i'm at right now. i'm looking at what i've accomplished and what i've yet to subjugate. i see who's been there along the way. who's helped, who's held me back (unconciously for the most part), who's on the same boat as me, who's already jumped ship, who's understood, who let the dogs out.
bullet in the brain by tobias wolff is the greatest short story i've ever read.
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Saturday, October 14th, 2006
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today in my intro to lit study class, i got back my first draft of a paper that's due monday. it's a poem explication of "persimmons" blah blah blah. well, not only did my professor comment on it. not only did he criticize it. he fuckin TORCHED IT. this is the first time since i think mrs. pulverenti that i got drawn and quartered for writing shitty work. his critique started out with something to the effect of, "this is an impressionistic, meandering jumble." read that however you may, but it's basically a nice way of saying THIS IS A MOST PATHETIC SHITBALL PAPER, IF I MAY SAY SO. furthermore, it's obvious that i have my work cut out for me this weekend. but i guess that's what i get for writing a first draft that's due an hour beforehand. not to mention i have a paper due for my pomo class on wednesday. i have to decide whether to do it on slaughterhouse 5 or the living end.
but the fact is, poetry explication is not my cup of tea. i can't write objectively or robotically. i put PASSION in my motherfuckin writing. apparently that's taboo when discussing the finer points of free verse in a prose poetry form. fuck that. the good i'm taking out of this, though, is that i'm waaay more open to poetry than ever before. i guess i like the fact that there's less of a commitment than with, say, a novel. eh whatever.
i might be taking a course on the writings of dr. seuss over the winter.
the new decemberists album is MIND BOGGLINGLY KEEN. looking forward to seeing them the first.
time for bed. night.
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Friday, September 22nd, 2006
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today i found out for certain that my grandmother- my dad's mom- has alzheimer's. right now it's on the second of three levels, which means she has about two years before we're forced to put her in a home. apparently once it reaches level three the person becomes a danger to themselves(wandering, not knowing where they are or going, etc). it's not that it was a secret by any means. she started slipping a couple years back, and it progressively worse. it started with her being forgetful about menial things, but now it's at a point where she'll ask a question or say something, and two minutes later, ask/say the same thing. another thing she would do is reminisce- constantly. whenever i was over the grandparents' house, she would constantly want to show everyone old pictures. amazing that she could remember something from fifty years ago and not recall a discussion ten minutes prior.
what's so bad is that my great grandmother- my grandmother's mom (notice this all occurs on the countryman side, specifically the barrett lineage)- suffers from alzheimer's as well. the same symptoms applied. to a T.
the difference is that my great grandmother was struck in her mid-80s, and was a widow (my great grandfather died in 1996, i believe). my grandmother, on the other hand is in her early 70s and still married. so how is my old grandpop supposed to feel? it's terrible. i can't imagine what goes through his head with every conversation with his own wife, knowing that she'll be simply oblivious of it in a matter of minutes. how it feels that your time together is so short before you have to institutionalize your most significant other. he's a family psychiatrist, so he's very good at helping other people with their problems. but what about this? it's terrible. i'm just glad that he's a very religious person, so i know he'll find comfort in that. and we're such a tight-knit family in the first place, so he knows he won't be alone in all of this.
alzheimer's and it's progression are a staggering thing. it's heart wrenching, really. as an outside observer you see the awareness and memory fall to pieces, and yet the person who is stricken does not even realize a thing. i look at my great grandmother now and she is all but a vegetable. she needs to be fed. she needs to be bathed. she looks in your eyes without a glimmer of recognition. you want so bad to see a reaction, but it just doesn't come. and here we are with another of our own flesh and blood, just a few years down the road to the same fate. all the while completely unaware of her plight.
and all the while the same question keeps spinning in my head: who really suffers from this disease the most?
and now i'm faced with the realization that at this moment in time, i'm a grandson. a grandson that, for the first three years of my life, was taken care of by this woman since both my mom and dad worked full time. i'm a grandson who made a grandmother proud. i followed the straight and narrow. i would come to all the family get-togethers, tell my dear grandmom about my school work, my sports, my life, and it pleased her to no end. she wanted me to finish up school and get a good job so i could get her and the grandpop a nice boat. and we would laugh.
but that is now. in three years i'll look at the same grandmother i always knew, but she won't see me. she'll see a young man and wonder who he could be, why he's being so nice. maybe a new staff member on hand? and she'll smile in gratitude, then go on like it never happened. i'll leave the nursing home blank, depressed, and yet always hoping that one day i'll come back and maybe, just maybe, see that glimmer. i love you, grandmom.
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Sunday, September 10th, 2006
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i can't believe i'm awake. i was dead tired earlier when i was on the phone with karen, but for whatever reason i got invigorated. it SUCKS. i want to sleep. maybe i'll start reading my book i need to read a hundred pages of.
but before that, let me say that today is the day i fully realized that i need a new job. at this point i'll take anything. tomorrow my plan is to drop a bunch of applications everywhere. today was a revelation. what it revealed is that i have been working for a company for three goddamn years now and i have nary a thing to show for it. 8 dollars an hour to do everyone's grunt work. is that all i'm fucking worth to these people? hell no. i'm not going to bore everyone with the details of what went down today, because honestly it's the same shit over and over again. so i'm done. not that i want to completely quit, but sears can't be my actual job anymore. the people i work with are amazing as hell, so i figure maybe i'll work there every other saturday or something.
what i really don't understand is why i'm sitting here thinking and worrying about this in the first place. everyone wonders why i care about it, since it's only a shitty part time job. well fuck if i know! you should know by now that i'm a fucking passionate person. i don't do anything half-ass (most of the time anyway. exceptions may include, but aren't limited to, math and economics classes). but anyway. yeah i don't know why i care so much. it's because this job has become a part of my life. i've achieved a comfort level there. which is EXACTLY WHY I NEED TO QUIT. i need to get out and meet more people and expand my goddamn scope. i can't believe sears is run by a band of retarded gorillas known to most people as "middle managers". you know, people whose moderately-to-heavily inconsequential lives are enriched by trampling on lesser folks that are just trying to make a paycheck. WELL FUCK THAT. i know it's everywhere, but nothing can be as bad as sears. NOTHING. so yeah. i have no fucking clue where i'm at now. i just rambled about some shit that i don't feel like re-reading. just wish me luck finding a new job.
and why the fuck am i still awake? later.
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Saturday, August 19th, 2006
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Main Entry: tran·si·to·ry
Pronunciation: 'tran(t)-s&-"tor-E, 'tran-z&-
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English transitorie, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin transitorius, from Latin, of or allowing passage, from transire
1 : tending to pass away : not persistent
2 : of brief duration : TEMPORARY
i'd kind of like it if i was more than this.
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ALRIGHT WHO WANTS TO SEE SAOSIN WITH ME ON AUGUST 20TH AT THE NORTH STAR BAR? I WANT TO PICK UP TICKETS VERY, VERY SOON AS I'M SURE THEY WILL SELL OUT DUE TO SAOSIN'S INHERENT AWESOMENESS. LET ME KNOW! CAPSLOCK AUGMENTS THE URGENCY HERE!
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the family reunion was a success. it was a very nice little place we stayed at, set back in the woods away from everything.
i got drunk with relatives, visited another cairo, and got a chance to check out the town of woodstock (extremely hippie, if i might add).
i ended up getting an A for intro to philosophy. my grade before the final was 89.7, and the professor bumped it up to a 90 so i didn't have to take the final. that was a relief.
otherwise, i'm a most unfortunate fellow.
time for work. later.
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INTRO TO ART HIST I 3 TTH11:00-12:20AM FA-110 CMD
INTRO LITERARY STUDY 3 MWF10:10-11:05AM ATG-206 CMD
POSTMODERN AM NOVEL 3 MW1:20-2:40PM ATG-224 CMD
ST:STEREOTYPES & POP 3 T1:30-4:40PMTH1:30-2:50PM CS-110 CMD
INTERMEDIATE ALGEBRA 3 MWF11:15-12:10AM ATG-224 CMD
so that is it. unless my advisor chews me out, of course. but it is a very convenient schedule, even though it's the first time i'm delving into the realm of 15 credits. i figured it out and i can still work an average of 25 hours a week along with it, so i won't be completely strapped. it'll be a workload, but i'm up to it.
i made 20 in tips tonight. i forgot how good it feels to walk home with that extra money stuffed in my pocket. i'm going to go in tomorrow to see what the deal is with my raise- if any. i know i'll get something.
i saw pirates of the caribbean 2 the other night. amazing movie. more amazing time at the movie.
i have two games this week! it feels like forever since my last game. i'm pumped.
i'm thinking with my next paycheck i'm going to get these intense jvc noise cancelling headphones. they're 79.99, but after a coupon and associate discount i'll have knocked it down to about 68.
i talked to steve brangman in the sears parking lot after work for an hour. all about real estate. ALWAYS a good conversation with that guy.
it was hot as balls today.
my class is finally over this week.
i realized today why it is i love being an american. during my break from class i sat outside in the blistering heat enjoying a hot dog and cherry pepsi. for whatever reason the hot dog was especially hot and the pepsi was surprisingly icy cold and refreshing. i loved every second of it. i think it's stuff like that i usually take for granted, but when put into perspective it is a truly wonderful thing.
alright i'ma go. later!
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the latter part of last week was awesome, even though i was rather sick on friday. i was taken care of. haha.
i took a four day vacation from thursday to sunday, mainly with the intent to go to the shore friday, until of course i fell ill. but the funny thing is when i came to work sunday for my schedule, they had me on for exactly zero hours. i wondered what the hell was going on. they said i wasn't being fired, but wanted to talk to me the next day (today. well, yesterday). at that point it was clear. so i went to this little meeting with mandy and lonz and they told me that i was going back to pickup. that's right. BACK TO MOTHERFUCKING MERCHANDISE PICKUP. surely, i should be pissed, right? well on the contrary. the timing couldn't be more perfect.
i was really getting tired with the way things were going in electronics. grown men bickering at each other like it was some kind of second grade recess, assholeidiot customers whose main goal in life was obviously to waste my time. honestly who the fuck goes to a department store to hang out and talk to the employees? get a fucking life, losers! and the reason i got fired. EXTENDED WARRANTIES. i was ranked last in the department for protection agreement sales. what the fuck do you expect? unlike my (former) coworkers, i actually have some semblance of a conscience. i cannot justify conning some poor shmuck who dropped 3 grand on a tv to spend an extra $600-700 for a shitty extended warranty. I DON'T PLAY THAT. selling a tv or camera was more than enough for me. at least i can go to sleep at night knowing i'm not a money-grubbing dickhole. but most of all, and i guess you could say it was the combination of all these things, is the mental stress this job put on me. sales jobs are serious. in taking a sales job you have to swallow your pride, put your self esteem on a rack along with your jacket, and tuck your ego away like a shirt. i hate that. it's so phony. i hate the charade that the shithole field entails. fuck sales jobs. the best i can say is that it WAS a good experience, as sales experience looks good on any resume, by hook or by crook!
so, it's back to square one. but as i said, the timing is wonderful. i'm about to drop applications at home depot and wegmans. at h.d. i'm pretty sure i can get at least nine an hour doing cashier work, and at wegmans at least 8.55. and that's what it's all about. keeping it simple. i have enough to worry about with school than have to go to meetings and talk about some arbitrary percentage that exhibits my credit card selling skills, my warranty selling skills, my sales volume skills (and allow me to mention that even though i was lowest in warranties, i was always in the top 3 in sales volume and non-returns. meaning, when people bought off me, they kept it. i didn't fuck around.)
and that is that. later.
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Wednesday, June 28th, 2006
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well well.
things have been pretty fun over the past couple of weeks.
bonnaroo was great. i was able to see tom petty put on a legendary performance, longtime favorite blues traveler for the first time, matisyahu, cypress hill, radiohead, and many many others.
since i've gotten home from tennessee i've worked 7 days straight. i hate sears, i love the money i make, i don't want to quit, but if they fire me i do not care! today was the first of three days in a row i have off. WHEW!
i started a summer class- intro to philsophy. it's pretty fun. easy to boot. i only have to worry about quizzes after every chapter- no major tests or papers. if i do well enough on the quizzes i don't even need to take the final.
yeah and some other stuff that i won't get into. but i'll be down the shore for a couple days next week and at the end of july i'll be going up to the catskills for a family reunion. good times abound!
later.
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Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
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this time tomorrow i'll be in the fair state of tennessee pitching a tent to begin what is sure to be a memorable weekend.
oh and by the way, the united states denied MIA working visas because of her family's ties to sri lankan radical group, the tamil tigers. or maybe it's because her music super-sucks and we don't need her polluting our airwaves. yeaahhh that's it.
cheers!
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flymeariver's journal